Nasties

Becky and I share a common repulsion of navels. That's right. The belly button happens to be the most disgusting part of one's body. The thought of sticking a finger in that sucker makes me pale and queasy. In fact, I had the ardous task of cleaning out mine the other day and I must say, nothing could be worse. Butt wiping holds no grossness candle to a q-tip in the b.b. Achk! Just writing this is making me sick. What is a belly button anyway? Where does it end? If you're persistent enough, will you push right through to your own guts?! AHHHHHHHH.

There is a messy kitchen where my friends used to be.

Eight Easy Steps

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate God when you're a prayer and a spiritualist
How to sabatoge your fantasies by fear of success

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment (I swear to you)
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck on you for blaming you for everything

I'll teach you how to in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how to in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best

-Alanis Morissette

This song has me completely pegged. Wow. Maybe I'm supposed to marry Alanis. I wonder how I would go about doing that.

Are we there yet?

When will I figure out how to play the flute?

Ahhh!

I think finishing a paper is like throwing up. No fun at the time, but when you're done you feel that woozy relief and sick satisfaction.

Grief's a Bitch

So, my grandfather died. There are so many things you have to do when you lose someone. I never realized. When I was carrying my grandfather's coffin into the church on Thursday for his Requiem Mass, I was filled with so much pride. I am so proud that I had the honor of knowing him. For me he will always exemplify what it means to be "a good man". I just hope I can come close to the lofty standard he set with his quiet strength, delicious humor, and unending generosity. So long Samuel Jacoby. Never goodbye.

Notes to self

1. Don't drink and then try to eat one girl scout cookie. You will eat seven.
2. Don't expect things to be easy. People stereotype.
3. Don't worry be happy.
4. Have fun with cool people.
5. Be annoyed with annoying people.
6. Learn to talk on the phone.
7. Don't feel bad about needing private time. Just don't use it as a crutch.
8. Don't feel like you have to be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone you are in a relationship with.
9. Eat chinese food. It has magic powers.
10. Always make lists in sets of 10.

They're writing songs of love, but not for me.

15 minutes of moderate attention

Today was fun. The Atlanta Flute Fair is a riot. I had my own 'attendant' before I played, and I was oooh'd and ahhhh'd for when my recital was through. I had my own special name tag, and my own special bio with my own special picture. I even had my own special life-partner (long, hilarious story.) Once in a while I think every one should get a day like that. Tomorrow is Paul Schimming's recital. You should go. You should ooh and ahhh for him too, because he's awesome and deserves all the oohs and ahhs you've got.

Stage Mother

Oh the joys of being home. Today as I was practicing at T-minus 45 hours until recital time, my mother comes in the room and looks at me... She says, " You're going to be mad at me. But I think you are playing the music, but you're not PLAYING it. You're not feeling it. You don't really feel the mood of it." I think that could have been the worst possible thing for her to say to me ever, other than, "you're dying", "I'm dying", "we're dying", or, " there's no more food."

Honestly, was she trying to be helpful? Is she a musician? NO. Has she ever made a sound on the flute? NO. Does she think I know what I'm doing? Does she know the piano part? NO. Has she even heard the music? NO. Was she drunk? Hmmm.

I have spent the majority of my life being criticized by some the the world's best musicians and when I come home, I would like to just feel supported. I don't want to be inspired or helped, and I don't need to be taught. I would just like to be loved and left to work in piece.